No matter how you relate to it, sexuality is a big part of who we are as humans. Sex should be a source of pleasure, connection, enjoyment, creativity and so much more.
Unfortunately, it’s often not that straightforward. Sometimes sex becomes a chore, a source of anxiety, disconnection, or you don’t have sex at all.
What causes these sexual blockages, or prevents us from enjoying our sex life, is shame. Sexual shame has deep roots and can arise from all different sources, leading up to your bed.
Sexual shyness can feel like this huge wall between you and your partner or yourself. It can prevent you from feeling connected, and from feeling the depth of joy that you are capable of.
But where does sexual shyness come from, and how do you overcome it and have the sex life of your dreams? Let’s dive in!
getting to the root of sexual shame
Before you can figure out how to overcome sexual shyness, you have to figure out where it’s coming from. These types of conversations and reflections can be incredibly tender, provocative, or emotional, so please be gentle with yourself.
These are some of the most common sources of sexual embarrassment:
Our world is not exactly a welcoming place for different experiences of sexuality. So often society and culture perpetuate sexual shame, especially for cis women and people with vulva issues, for people in the LGBTQI+ community, and for anyone bottlenecks or sexual interests that deviate from the norm.
Living in a closed-minded society, or one that doesn’t understand the importance of sexual wellness, can create shame about who you are or who you’re attracted to.
Religion is another aspect of culture that can lead to widespread sexual disharmony. Many religions also inherently discourage, or shame sexual pleasure altogether. Again this is even more so for the same demographics we mentioned above.
Sexual shame from religion can persist long after you leave the religion or change your relationship with it.
Your family is probably influenced by your culture and/or religion, but they may have a more explicit view of sexuality than what you were taught growing up.
Maybe they’ve completely shamed you for certain behaviors, have harmful thoughts about sexuality, or haven’t talked about sex at all, which can make it taboo. A lot of your shame may come from the desire not to disappoint or embarrass your family.
The media is a reflection of your culture and society, and unfortunately can perpetuate shame. We are exposed to a lot of media, so if you had negative programming towards sexuality at a young age, it can have an effect.
If you have experienced sexual trauma or abuse, know that we are very sorry. These experiences can easily lead to embarrassment about sexuality, and all kinds of other inhibitions. Know that you deserve to feel good, present, and safe in your body.
It is a shameful thing
A big part of overcoming sexual shyness is knowing how to correct it. What are the sources of this embarrassment? How can you take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure while knowing it was not your fault?
How can you find more grace with yourself and your process, and also prioritize pleasure and enjoyment in your sex life?
Think of it this way: Every bit of shame you hold onto takes you that much further away from different depths of joy and connectedness. It’s hard to rationalize or quantify, but once you feel it for yourself, you understand.
When you are able to let go of some of the shyness, you may be able to feel the places where you have closed yourself off. Little by little, you begin to experience more joy and more connectedness in areas where shame once took place.
Find allies and community
Overcoming sexual shame can seem like a solo effort, but having allies and a community can be extremely helpful. This is especially true if you are interested in exploring the world of kinkOr if you’re LGBTQI+.
Building a community can also be important for people who, for example, have left the church and are finding themselves sexually involved, or who want to find allies among people who have had similar life experiences. who have created sexual shame.
get professional help
Friends and community aren’t your only sources of support in healing your sexuality. Getting professional help can be important in helping you overcome sexual shyness.
A therapist or other mental health professional can help you examine the source of your shame and reframe it if this is difficult for you. They can also offer other perspectives and provide you with tools you may not have been able to find on your own.
Any mental health professional you feel comfortable with is a good choice, but you may want to consider seeing a sex therapist Or someone who has expertise in the area you need help with.
another option to look at sexological bodyworker or someone who practices vulva mapping, Your body energetically holds on to shame and other emotions, which is why it can block you from joy.
These professionals can help remove those physical blocks so that you can feel at home in your body and sexuality.
tap into happiness and joy
Happiness and joy can be antidotes to overwhelming emotions like shame. When you make them a priority, you take away some of the power or hold that shame has over you.
Here are some practical tips to bring joy and happiness to your sex life:
- Practice habits that help you feel more sensual, whether it’s dancing, picking flowers, or wearing your favorite perfume.
- but work growing intimacy outside the bedroom, whether or not you have a partner
- Masturbation What’s more, you can try positive affirmations like “I deserve happiness” and “There is no place for shame in my body, only happiness and joy” while you are doing it.
While it may be easier said than done to feel them, every little bit of extra pleasure you experience in your sex life is cause for celebration. It may take time to completely release sexual shame, but you absolutely can. You have the power and the tools to experience the sex life you want and deserve.